Hurt People Hurt People
We’ve all heard the saying,
hurt people hurt people.
But have you ever really thought about
what that means
when the person doing the hurting
is somebody you’re related to?
Your mother. Your father.
Your brother. Your sister.
People who will remind you that
you’re family, yet have no problem
speaking badly about you,
disrespecting your boundaries,
or making accusations they know
could probably affect your life.
And this kind of behavior
doesn’t just happen overnight.
In some families, it’s been going on for years.
It becomes so familiar
that people stop questioning it.
Especially when you’re young.
You don’t always understand
why certain things don’t feel right.
You just learn to watch what you say
and how you say it.
Sometimes you take responsibility
for things that have absolutely
nothing to do with you
because dealing with somebody
else’s mood was exhausting.
As you get older,
you start seeing things differently.
Behaviors you once overlooked
begin to stand out,
and you start questioning
why certain things were ever
considered acceptable in the first place.
You realize that what you thought was
normal family behavior was actually
something you had learned to tolerate.
Today, you’ve become more aware
of patterns and behaviors.
You have boundaries because
you’ve already experienced
what happens when you don’t.
And certain relatives have spent years
undermining you or speaking badly
about you, you don’t necessarily
expect them to celebrate anything
good happening in your life.
You’ve already seen too much.
What can still catch you off guard, though,
is hearing just how far some people
are willing to take a story.
The comfortability of lying on
someone’s name. And even worse, the people
who weren’t there have so much to say
about what supposedly happened.
How are you speaking on something
you didn’t witness?
You weren’t there.
You don’t know what took place
behind closed doors.
You don’t know what was said,
what was done,
or what led up to the situation.
But somehow you’ve got the whole layout.
And you’re repeating it
like its a fact.
This behavior is weird.
Somebody can deliberately leave out
their own behavior, twist what happened,
and make another person look like the problem.
Then here comes somebody else,
repeating the same story with even
more confidence than the person who started it.
And nobody see’s this is off?
Some people are so comfortable with
their dislike for somebody that the truth
doesn’t even matter at this point.
Even the good somebody
has done gets rewritten.
Imagine helping a relative through
an illness. Taking time away from your own
responsibilities, making sure they’re getting
better, and dealing with everything
that comes with caring for somebody.
Then later hearing that same relative
tell people you never helped them.
Apparently, you were too busy going out.
What?
Where was your spouse?
Where was everybody else?
Because the person you’re
now speaking badly about
was the one who showed up,
even when they had a million reasons not to.
And that gets me with certain people.
They’ll overlook everybody
who wasn’t there,
but somehow find something
wrong with person who was.
You accepted their help when you needed it.
But after you got what you wanted,
you create a different version
of events in your head.
And yes, maybe they did go out
after you regained your strength.
Were they supposed to put
their entire life on hold?
Of course, right?
You needed them within arms reach
because nobody else was there.
Their responsibilities, their family,
their own well being could wait
as long as your needs were being met.
And when they finally took some time
for themselves, you found a way to make
that a problem too.
That’s not appreciation.
That’s taking advantage of somebody
who showed up for you when you know
damn well how you mistreated them.
And despite everything you put them through,
they still found it in themselves to be
there when you needed them.
But that’s the thing about
certain family members. They become so
accustomed to what you do for them
that they stop seeing it as kindness
and start treating it like an obligation.
It doesn’t matter what you have
going on in your own life.
Your responsibilities.
Your marriage.
Your children.
Your peace.
Somehow, all of that is supposed to
come second whenever they need something.
And because you’ve always managed to show up,
they assume you alway will.
Until you don’t.
Until you begin recognizing how
one sided the relationship has been.
How much was expected of you
and how little consideration
you received in return.
You haven’t changed.
You simply stopped allowing people
to take advantage of the love and consideration
you once gave so freely.
Some people have a hard time accepting it
because your boundaries mean
they can no longer benefit
from the version of you
who tolerated everything.
And that’s where growth changes everything.
You stop feeling obligated to prove
how much you’ve done for people
who know exactly what you’ve done for them.
You stop defending yourself against
stories that were deliberately
told to make you look bad.
And you stop confusing being related
to somebody with owing them
unlimited access to your life.
You can appreciate the lessons
without wanting the relationship back.
You can wish somebody well without
wanting them anywhere near you.
And you can move forward without
explaining your decision to everybody
who has something to say about it.
Some people simply don’t change.
They get older, but the behavior stays the same.
The same excuses.
The same manipulation.
The same need to make somebody
else responsible for what they’ve done.
If you’ve made the decision not to
participate in that cycle anymore,
I respect that.
Be proud of yourself.
It takes growth to recognize what needs
to change and even more strength to make
sure it doesn’t continue with you.
This is your safe space.
You’re always welcome here.
— Abi Brooklyn